Rain melancholy in dark weary soul

This morning my ticket is set after the BIG mistake u discover for me yesterday; This afternoon, your hotel booking is set as well.... 

You make me cant help looking forward to the trip - which is not supposed to be in this way.
I thought I would be having my first escapades in life melancholy, running away from my doubtful life choices, reaching in my warm homeland and walking in dark, catching smiles while I show mine first by visiting my old buddies with gifts and good memory about them as to surprise them... 

Now, you added too much sparkles in my trip, new face, new place, new experiences... Im so excited and looking forward to it... which i should never have. Cos I should not have left my home so happily. 

You are very caring, strive for things that i mentioned i wanted to have and led me to find my Tarzan-Forrest Gump to show me the beauty in the jungle. And then finalised to: sandy beach, sunset, Choya, Chalet, you even added a partition? I expected to take it even if it is a King size bed and forgive your 'forgetfulness'....
Thank You for pampering me... Im taking advantage of it cos Im here with the weary soul and being the one pampering others in my life and now i would really like to experience some in return... but from a stranger new friend? Do i deserve so? i will make it up for you by helping you in anyway i could.

But you shouldnt have to do so. Havent you hurt enough from your last trial on pampering someone? Why dont you act selfishly this time like I do and Try to Ask For Something instead of ask what others want? You are one of a kind.

Life is always about balancing. It is a good lesson to learn and Im going to learn it well. 

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I'm a good real life example. You are going thru what MOH being thru, heaven and almost to hell. 

I feel my life is meaningless, wondering around the cyberspace doing nothing with no direction at all. 

Confronted MOH, but she said don't ask anymore or she will leave this world. So for the sake of my young kids, I just keep quit (bear with the pain every hour, thinking about it) and live my life as nothing ever happened.

Sometimes, I wish one day I will wake up from this bad evil dream!

My heart was already broken to pieces and now the broken pieces started to disintegrate by molecules by molecules until vapourise.

There is no longer any love. I don't hate her. What's done, already done. I cannot turn back the clock. Do you believe in fate?

But deep inside I know she is sad, but not sure whether sad for marrying me, sad to leave her ex, sad to treat me this way, sad to make me sad... I don't know.

from day 1, I trusted her, I worked hard and late daily to raise my family better (in term of monetary) and give everything to her. There was no sign of anything, and then the betrayal and many lies. I just don't get it. She isn't those type of person. Maybe both of them are so free, and get back together during office hours. They even went for outastation meeting together.

it never does, or never will which I do not want to happen but it seem that it will go this way. The feeling of being betrayed is too strong and I'm a guy! A guy who knew that his wife is sleeping with ex bf and what actually they did, what they sms or say to each other every hour except after office where she "return" back to her normal self.

Maybe you are attract to him you did not get earlier but that doesn't mean that you can start to flirt and cheat - Do you really want to see him end up like me?

..care about family but there is no love anymore... feel that cannot imagine living in the next 10, 20, or even 50 years growing old together with him due to lack of passion, caring and compassionate life anymore. It used to happen to those couples who are married for many many years and there are no longer any cuddling, hugs, kisses, jokes, sweet talk, intimate sessions etc. (those stuffs that feel good when you are dating or being court).  love expectation might be higher and maybe your are a perfectionist too. Wrong?  are expecting a natural hug or a kiss when he leave or get home from office. You need him to say something sweet before going to bed and hug you while sleeping, naturally. You need him to feel close to you, everytime but after so long you given up. Wrong? You expect him to say and praise you that you look lovely today or in that red dress? -- Well, I did most of the stuffs but see what happened!
 
FYI, I'm an outdoor person when young (you name it), used to go camping, jungle trekking, love sports (I can play many type of sport and some say I'm very good) or anything outdoor and challengings.

 I also good in badminton, soccer, squash, basketball, hockey or you can say, multi talented in sport, or born naturally inside me. I gave away all these (my active lifestyle) after marrying MOH. 

We used to go the beach, watch the sunset, help my kids flying the kite, playing with waves and runing down the yellow sandy beach in Morib or PD.
 
I did religiously (at least once a week, sometime more) accompany MOH for many hours (without any single complain) to the shopping mall/hypermarket/pasar everytime, carrying, selecting and serching for stuffs. Sometimes more than a few times a week.
 
But she still went back to her ex-bf maybe because of the strong passion she feeling and the temptation too strong. She love the attention, the lust and being court passionately by her ex again. (since both are teachers and very free)
 
I wish MOH go for a divorce first before going back to him as that would be easier for me to accept and less painful..
  
I've been there, feel it, experience it and see all, well I have no feeling and do not believe in true love anymore. I'm just like a walking zombie, living just for the sake of my kids only.

>>> I failed to control it, in fact my mind lost to him and make me a living zombie, now.

>>> I know but I lost everything, I lost my self confidence, a big blow to my self-esteem, my belief system, trust, my sense of security, my life....

 I cannot really concentrate, my eyes are tired, my mind are tired (I never felt this before the affair) and will not stay long.

 I did but feel devastated when found out the affair. The feeling is more painful than physical feeling or being cut alive by knife.

 I like my house clean & tidy and pickup my kids stuffs every minutes or when passing by, daily and used to this routines. I love DIY stuffs, I did many for my house from repairing toilet to build my own cabinet.

>>> I just wish I can turn back the clock, that all.

He is my life and soul now. I love him so much (the only love remain in me) and so said I over pampered him.

Also MOH think and feel otherwise, I guessed.Maybe but also many of my colleagues/friends commented the same things too and wished that I'm their husband. I believe & think I did good in this area (be a great husband) but left me devastated at the end.  I just don't get it. Why? Is a handsome guy important to women? Can a women love 2 different guys at the same time?

>>>> but from the outlook of her, she doesn't look anything like commiting an affair. She's soft spoken, polite, look innocent, shy, and passive and not good in socializing. She is not that beautiful either. (I mean from facial)

No but I will leave her when my kids get older.

>>> you think a lot and future, I dare not, I take one steps at one time now.

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