The Bond of Passion - Discovering God's Design for Sex

What is sex? 

Why wait for sex? 

Sex before marriage? 

Sex in an affair?....

                 ~  Dating With Pure Passion - Rob Eagar ~

Sex Bonds People Together

The Bible clearly says to avoid sex outside of marriage (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8).  

Yet has anyone ever told you why? As a young single, I usually heard, "God says don't do it." 

This left a lot of confusion in my mind.  

It's not fair for married couples to have all the fun.

Throughout high school and college, I attended several seminars that urged students to remain virgins.  

However, these campaigns focused on avoiding pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. 

The speakers never offered any real reasons to wait for sex.  

I didnt clearly understand the purpose of abstinence before marriage until years later when I was reading the apostle Paul's letter to the Corinthians.

 

The Christians in Corinth struggled to control their sexual desires because they lived in a culture that encouraged immorality.  

In their city, a certain pagan temple housed more than 1000 prostitutes, and people considered sex an act of worship.  

Similar to our modern society, the Corinthians made sexual pleasure a selfish act to engage in whenever they felt like it.  

Paul wrote the Corinthian Christians a letter to help them understand why God intended sex only for marriage.

And don't you know that if a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? 

For the Scriptures say, "The two are united into one."  

But the person who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with Him.  

Run away from sexual sin!  

No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does.  

For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body (1 Corinthians 6:16-18 NLT).  

In verse 16, Paul indicates that if a man has sex with a prostitute, he joins his body to hers.  

The key word in that verse is "joins".  

The original Greek word means "to cement or glue together firmly."  

Paul is explaining that sex is a physical act that glues the bodies and souls of two people together.  

However, he wasn't referring only to sex with prostitutes.  

He meant that any couple who engages in sexual activity joins themselves together.  

More importantly, their bond is not a weak connection that breaks apart easily.  

Sex produces a bond that has the strength of superglue.  

It fastens a couple together so tightly that they cannot separate without causing damage to each other.

As a boy, I discovered the power of a superglue bond when I built model airplanes. Occasionally, I ran out of toy airplane adhesive and tried to use superglue as a substitute.   

I got carelss and accidentally bonded two of my fingers together.  

I was shocked when I couldn't get them apart.  

I pulled and pried, but they were fused. 

I finally had to tear them apart by painfully ripping my skin.  

My fingers were left raw and wounded.  

This is similar to what happens when two people have sex and then break up.  

They fuse their hearts and souls together, and then suffer agonizing damage when they separate.

Maybe you doubt that sex actually bonds people together. 

If so, talk to any man or woman who has broken up after having intercourse.  

They will verify that their emotional and physical bond was real because immense pain occured when they tried to separate.  

What they thought was harmless kissing and touching had literally cemented their hearts together.  

For this reason, you must take physical activity seriously in a dating relationship.  

Much more is happening than you can see or feel.  

By being careless, you can intertwine yourself with someone without even realizing it.

If sex didn't bond people together, you could make love and never think twice about it.  

Yet God designed sex to join people, and you will experience consequences if you have sex and then try to walk away.  

This doesn't apply only to intercourse either.  

You can also damage yourself through less intense involvement.  

I remained a virgin until I married, but I still suffered pain from my physical activity in dating. 

My three most agonizing breakups occurred after I had been very sensual with my girlfriends. My heart felt devastated after each separation.  

In contrast, I broke up with another girl with whom I had had no sexual involvement, and the emotional pain was negligible.  

Therefore, understand the risk you take if you get physically active with your boyfriend or girlfriend.  You are not playing with fire; you are playing with superglue.

What is Sex?

The definition of sex broadens when you realize that all sexual activity joins two people together.  

You cannot limit sex to just intercourse because any type of physical touching starts the bonding process.  

For instance, a man does not hold a woman's hand to say, "I hate you".  

He holds her hand to quietly say, "I like you, and I want to explore a relationship with you." Then, if he kisses her, they will emotionally bond a little more.  

Should they get involved with kissing erotically, touching one another's sensual areas, or having oral sex, their hearts and souls will begin to firmly unite.

The further a couple goes physically, the tighter they bond emotionally, and the more damage their hearts and minds will suffer if they separate.  

That's why developing a sexual relationship without the lifetime commitment of marriage is unwise.  

You jeopardize bonding your heart to somone who may not stay with you.  

Even if you are engaged, the possibility for separation still exists.

This does not mean that all physical affection in dating is bad.  

A romantic touch can be beneficial when it reinforces the spiritual, emotional, and intellectual connection that a couple has already developed.  

For example, if a guy tells his girlfriend, "I really like you," but he refuses to hug her, she would probably consider him a hypocrite.  

By touching her, he confirms his interest in their relationship.  

Therefore, it is okay for a couple to express themselves physically but not at the expense of bonding and breaking their hearts.

Jesus wants physical activity to profit your relationship rather than destroy it.  

So be aware of what sex can do to your heart.  

The Consequences of Breaking a Sexual Bond

In her early twenties,  Serena slept with several different men.  

She couldn't resist the boost to her self-esteem when a man desired her sexually.  

She was young and free, and a committed relationship was the last thing on her mind.  

When she became bored with one guy, she simply broke up with him and flirted with another. When she accidentally got pregnant, Serene chose an abortion to solve the problem.  

She didn't realize that her sexual carelessness was deadening her heart's ability to experience real intimacy and commitment. 

Later, at age 28, Serena began to ponder her future.  

Staying single forever no longer excited her, so she decided to look for a husband and settle down. 

She started visiting a local church and hit it off with a guy named Doug.  

While they dated, Serena curbed her sexual activity with Doug and kept her sensual past a secret.  

She figured her new behavior exhibited maturity and felt ready for marriage when Doug proposed after nine months of dating.

Serena joyously anticipated a wonderful life with Doug, but her hopes vanished on their honeymoon.  

Whenever Serena tried to make love to her new husband, memories of her abortion and previous sexual partners flooded her mind.  

Guilt and shame tortured her thoughts and hindered her from focusing on Doug.  

Serena's inability to enjoy sexual intimacy deeply dissapointed her.  

She kept the frustration to herself, but a familiar desire began to arise from it.

Serena had always avoided relational pain by running from it, so the urge to abandon her marriage and start over began to entice her.  

She tried to fight the feeling because she cared for Doug.  

However, when he asked her for sex, she wanted to run away.  

Serena hoped the problem would disappear over time, but instead, her frustration increased. 

Five months into her marriage, Serena deserted Doug and began a new, desperate search for fulfillment.

In our culture, Satan has successfully redefined sex as a pleasure drug or a seductive method to control a relationship.  

Sex, bond people together in marriage, and people forfeit their ability to enjoy it when they abuse His gift.

As we saw in Serena's case, if you get involved in permarital sex, you can deteriorate your heart's future capacity to experience intimacy.  

This problem is comparable to breaking your leg.  

Your body will heal, but your joints and tendons do not grow back as strong as before.  

As a result, you can never again enjoy certain activities to the degree that you did previously.

Likewise, your heart is emotionally fragile and can be easily damanged.  

Therefore, if you repeatedly bond yourself to others sexually and then break those bonds, you cannot expect your heart to be capable of complete intimacy in the future.  

It will heal, but it will never be the same.

Some singles disagree and ask me, "What about those people who say they can have sex without feeling anything for the other person?  

Can they avoid consequences?"  The answer is no.  

People who abuse sex always suffer injury of marriage destroys his or her own body (1 Corinthians 6:18; Ephesians 4:17-19).  

No one can indulge in carnal sensuality without experiencing at least one of the following repercussions:

*  Your heart disconnects from people, and you lose the ability to feel

*  You deaden your ability to stay committed in a future relationship

*  You run the high risk of sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, or physical abuse

*  Your heart is numbed toward real intimacy when you truly want it in the future

*  Your immorality destroys other people's ability to trust or respect you

*  You carry a burden of guilt and shame from taking advantage of another person

*  Your future sex life eventually becomes boring and routine

All of these consequences carry a high price because you cannot enjoy sex with a damaged heart or a damaged body.    

The ugly problems that sexually transmitted diseases cause are easy to understand.  

However, finding sexual intimacy is even more frustrating when your heart is dead or distracted.  

The superglue power of intercourse rips away a piece of your heart when you break a sexual bond, and your heart may never completely recover.

God does not forbid singles to touch each other, but when you being sexual contact you initiate  His bonding process.  

To avoid damaging yourself, keep physical activity in line with the commitment level of your relationship.  

By doing so, you prevent bonding your heart to someone who may decide to leave.  

Also, you allow your relationship a better chance of developing communication, patience, and sacrificial love - elements necessary for a lifelong marriage.

Sex may bond two people together, but it does not guarantee them a good relationship.

Instead,  their character, relational maturity, and dependence upon Jesus Christ determine the quality of their relationship.

Why Sexual Attraction is Good

purpose of sex is to produce total intimacy in marriage.  

Two spouses cannot experience oneness unless they share in sexual intercourse.  

Sex invites a husband and wife to accept each other naked, unashamed, and uninhibited.  

It offers an environment in which they are free to be themselves and joyfully bond in the most meaningful way possible.  

Our hearts crave this kind of intimacy, and sex in marriage is one of God's instruments to meet that need.

Dating serves as the spark to motivate two people to pursue the path toward marriage.  

As a single man and woman captivate each other, they want to begin a relationship.  

Their sex drives propel them to discover more about one another.  

Then, when they encounter the initial difficulties of communication and friendship, their sexual interest can encourage them to keep working through the problems. 

 Thus, sexual attraction is an important aspect of dating relationships.  

Without it, singling out one person for intimacy would be boring and lifeless.

For most couples, a physical desire occurs when they initially meet.  

For a few, the attraction evolves over time.  

Regardless of when it happens, a mutual sexual attraction needs to develop eventually, or a dating couple will not enjoy intimacy in a marriage.  

Romance is an essential part of oneness, and a marriage devoid of physical closeness in a miserable experience.

What Satan Doesn't Want You To Know About Sex

Satan always takes God's good gifts and twists them into something destructive.  

He does this with food, nature, and especially sex. Let's look at some truths about sex that he does not want you to know

God Created Sex as a Celebration

Satan tries to confuse many singles by advertising that forbidden or kinky sex is the most satisfying  kind.  

You see this evil message propagated by movies, books, and TV.  

Believe me, it's a lie.  

Hot sex does not happen by using special techniques or having secret affairs.  

Fantastic sex occurs when a man and a woman share  uninhibited romance in a committed marriage.

God made sex as a delightful celebration between a husband and a wife.  

It is one of the most personal and intimate ways to say, "Thank you for loving me" 

Thus, when a couple marries, God wants them to relish their sex life and enjoy it often (Ecclesiastes 9:9; 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Ephesians 5:28-29).  

He invites them to be as sensual and free as they desire.

This should not dishearten you or make you jealous about refraining from sex as a single. Rather, I want to encourage you to pursue sex for the right reasons.  

God knew what He was doing when He created it. 

Do not think that sex between Christian spouses is supposed to be boring and prudish.  

God designed sex in marriage to be a blast, and when you share unreserved passion in a committed marriage, it will blow your mind.

Sex Is Just A Piece Of The Pie

Sex is an integral part of marriage.  

However, you need also to be aware that if you get married, sex will become a small piece of the total relationship.  

Married couples do not have sex around the clock.  

Most wives desire sex much less frequently than their husbands do.  

Therefore, guys, you will have to learn to control your urges within marriage as well as without.

In addition, sex is not a constant party that keeps spouses together.  

It is a brief rendezvous that celebrates their love.  

Neither can sex make a marriage better.  

Instead, it serves as a gauge for the quality of a couple's communication, sacrifice, cooperation, and friendship.  

If you are not cherishing one another in respect and submission, your sex life will deteriorate.

Furthermore, frequent sex only adds up to a few hours during the week.  

When you are married, you live with someone 24 hours a day. 

Thus, the nonsexual parts of your relationship, such as cooperation with chores, raising children, and trusting Christ together, play larger roles in the success of your marriage.

Newlyweds Are Not Sexually Compatible

Some singles assume that all of their sexual fantasies will instantly come true on their wedding night.  

This lie from Satan leads to disappointment because no married couple has immediate sexual compatibility.  

Great sex does not happen by itself.  

Husbands and wives must discuss, develop, and practice it.  

Some couple adjust more quickly than others, but most couples need many months before they are comfortable in bed together.  This is completely normal.

Thus, do not expect fantastic sex on your honeymoon.  

You will need to research the subject, go very slowly, practice often, and talk things out until you understand what brings pleasure to each other.  

You can study books about how to improve your sexual technique, but the real key is learning to mutually sacrifice.  

Your sex life will stink if you try to force your spouse to do what you want.  

The real delight occurs when the pleasure of the other person becomes your main focus. 

You Cannot Give Sex a Test Drive

It is surprising how many Christian singles choose to move in with their boyfriends or girlfriends.  

Satan motivates people to "test drive' their relationship by reasoning, "If we live together, we can see how well we get along.  

Then, if we don't like each other, we can easily break up without the entanglements of marriage."  

This may sound like wise advice, but I must bluntly state that living together makes no sense whatsoever.

The truth is that if you live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, pay the same bills, and have sex, you are already married. 

The difference is that you are too selfish to make your marriage official with a commitment.

Remember that sex bonds people together; a paper marriage license doesn't.  

If you move in together and start fooling around, you will bond your hearts together just as a married couple does.  

Once you bond sexually, there is no turning back.  

You may think that moving in together is a relationship test, but in reality, you have already joined yourself to someone.  

Should you decide to break up, you will suffer the same emotional consequences as any divorcing couple does.

On the other hand, some singles, usually women, believe that living together will increase their chances of getting married.  They rationalize that a little sex will convince him to get serious. However, moving in together does no encourage anyone to commit. 

Instead,  it discourages  people from getting married because they can have all of the sex, financial support, and companionship they want for free.  In their minds, why should they marry when they already have everything they want with no strings attached?

Moving in together indicates that a couple wants all of the positives of marriage (including sex, intimacy, security, and companionship) without having to invest in it.  

Yet people cannot obtain the benefits of marriage unless they selflessly commit themselves to another person.  

You cannot have real intimacy without sacrificial love and a commitment.  These qualities are absent when a couple lives together.

Cohabitation encourages a relationship to fail because it is founded on selfishness.  

In essence, pleasure and convenience are more important than the other person's well-being. Thus, you cannot live with someone and justifiably say, " I love you".  

If you really love that person, then you will either get married or date without having sex.

Sex Can Destroy You

Lastly, Satan wants you to think that sex is just harmless fun, but he knows it is an act of bonding.  Therefore, he will attempt to use sexual passion to put you in bondage.  

This could include bondage to a bad relationship, pornography, homosexuality, or romantic fantasies.

Sexual experiences may feel good,but the pleasure can easily become addicting. 

Satan's deception about sex is widespread, so that next chapter will deal with sensual temptation and how Christ can guide you to make wise decisions, about physical activity in your relationship.

Thank God For Sex

Regardless of Satan's attempt to distort our understanding of sex, we are blessed to have such a wonderful gift from God.  

The Lord intends sex for our good, and nothing else can bond two people so intimately. 

Therefore, cherish your ability to express physical desire for another person, knowing that sex represents Christ's passionate desire for you.  

Look forward to celebrating the power of passionate sex when you are married - it will be worthy the wait.