A weeping little birdy

Dear Diary

My 11-year Pakistani best friend S asked me, what do i envision after the divorce.  I really dont know.  Although I have a physical plan to spend the rest of my life with my parents and family instead of my husband and my child, but emotionally I'll be still empty.  Im not sure if this is a right choice at all.

He is angry and disappointed at me when I announced it to him.  He went through the memory with me by telling me he was there to witness how truly happy I was when I told him I was going to marry my little prince and how this family has been built up steps by steps with his blessings.  At the same time, he blames himself for it is all of his faults for not able to care of me all these years due to his busyness or should have walked me through those stormy days and not able to stop me to proceed in my decision of divorce.  He only get to know this news from me when I declared 'Im gone' & 'Im through with it'.

He didnt expect/accept any of my answers, he merely want to make me think. As ever, he enjoys using set theory to break into many facts and tried to convinced me.  I appreciate all that, but I insist that 'Im gone' and I cant be back anymore.  Nothing is ever same anymore.

**

"When two are in love, they have a little secret place wishes to be forgiven and loved by the lover as a whole set."  

He showed me his and I spent all that I can to show him that I dont mind and I dont care, and I will be with him till we apart.  However, I haven't got a chance to show him mine all along the way.  A little negative signs has stopped me to try sharing more... I end up hiding or he didnt care to find out or it was fate... 

Today when I looked back, I cant do it anymore - I cant hide this little place with me anymore.  I want it t be shared, to be cared for, to be loved by someone who wants and knows how to love me completely.  By given time he has not realized there is such a little place in me that wishes to be found out, forgiven and appreciated...  

Im sorry but to judge that he has no ability to love me/get to know me enough for me to go on living with him.

It is very beautiful picture we have painted for our little family of three.  Each day we start it with plenty of love and countless kisses to each other.  Each night we spend wonderful time together laying on bed in laughters and until our child sleeps soundly.  We are close friends among us three.  I spent the last nine months to try to tear off this beautiful picture in my heart.  I see a cold-hearted mother/wife who does it without regret.  I couldnt believe it myself but each time I tested her, she gives the very same answer.

My mind is cracking into two sides, the white-silvery angel side and the black-red devil side.  

You love them!

You cant live without them!

You love this picture!

You wanted it!

You want this picture more than anything! 

This is much more better/beautiful than you could ever imagine!

You will regret it!

You would wish you didnt have done it.

Even when you come back, it wont be same anymore.

Yes, your hugs and kisses are all real and truthful, but you are not fulfilled.

You are merely "doing your job" because you are a perfectionist.

You wish yourself to be cared for, and to be loved, and they dont! Or at least, not as what you expected.

They are boys! Boys! Boys can forget you relatively easy as you could forget them.

They are better off with their new toys.

You are a meal, you are a nanny, you are a sense of security!

You are a wife, an accomplishment, sex, toy to show the world that he is completed.

**

One day I read a young blogger's romance blog.  She said this is how she will judge who should she stay happily ever after with, by having positive answers for the following questions:

Do I want to see him grow old with wrinkles all over him?

Do I want to see him sick in bed, plus smell of sickness and hospital?

Do I want to be seen by him when Im in this condition?

Do I want to be taken care by him when Im blind/handicapped/urine-incontinence/cancer/AIDS?

My answers are Yes for the first two, I have been doing these all these while by having high level of tolerance with anything came to me.  But for the last two questions, my answers are no.  Im not ready to show him any of my imperfections.  He prefers simple life.  He prefers to settle things instead of sharing things.

I dont know who do I have after Im gone.  I really dont know.  My heart aches badly. I have been good for everyone or anyone I try to be with and this is what I get when Im in need? A feeling of insecure.  How pathetic.

T is great, he is available for himself and for me, that makes him a T. We make a good pair together.  I dont know, maybe we are merely physically fit with condition.  We seem like a husband and wife that we wanted for each other but we had a miss-match with our lawfully half.  And then, to come to here today, it is too late, we are already seriously injured from the previous hope and now we are both emotionally handicapped.  Im better off without hope or expectation. He doesnt want to pick me up himself.  No one ever would take such a responsibility.  No one could, can, want, able to, should.  Am I looking at another trial and future failure now?  Am I getting into another fail experiment?  Do I want to experience that?  No.  No more romance.  All these while, I've been merely asking for a companionship, havent I? So, a company is he going to be.

Many friends around me told me how much they are jealous about my life, or I should say, they admire my lifestyle.  Through out the past years, whenever I fell, Im being cushioned no matter how low I had been to in my life.  And each time Im able to bounce much higher.  Yes they are right.  Maybe Im greedy, maybe Im asking too much.  However, to me, I insist that, all I ever ask for is the very basic need, love.  Love me, love my heart, take care of my heart.  And in exchanged of this little primitive need, I'm willing to give it all up.  Take my jewels, fashion, skin-care, youth, travel trips... take it all away. I dont care.  Today we sold the HFC unit with +40m.  I was an owner for this prestige little unit for 4 years.  So what? Im not happier and Im not having little excited when it came or when it is gone.  So, once again, I'm proven to myself day after day, I want to do this.  Yes I want to do this.

One day, the same group of friends would roll up their eyes big when I announced this to them.  Im a legend, a forever legend for them.  A dumber.  A dreamer. Whatever u want to call it after my back.  You know it, I dont care.

Infinity of love

A weeping little birdy.